Gunnery Sgt Hartman joins the Literature Club
by ThanosofTitan
Summary: Total crack fic, if you can't already tell by the title and category. Rated M for language, verbal abuse, comedic sociopathy, and all of the other M-rated stuff present in both FMJ and DDLC.


**Author's Note: This was originally intended to be a YTP, but I lack the editing skills necessary to make it. Also, knowing my luck, it would probably get copyright claimed.**

 **Anyway, if you're interested in how I came up with this... unique idea, I was watching a YTP video called "Michael Rosen in Doki Doki Literature Club" and I found myself thinking 'W _hat other YTP characters could this be done with?_ ' Then, suddenly, inspiration struck.**

 **As this was originally intended to be in a YTP format, it won't be a continuous story, but rather a series of scenes from the game, with MC/player replaced with everyone's favorite GySgt. Enjoy!**

 **Also, this is rated M for a reason (no, not that reason). But trust me, the rating is deserved.**

* * *

 **Scene: Beginning of the game, on the way to school**

Hartman saw an annoying girl running toward him from the distance. This girl was Sayori, or, as the Gunnery Sergeant called her, Private Moeblob: another non-hacker who did not pack the gear to serve in his beloved Corps! Impatiently, he waited at the corner for her to catch up.

"Haaahhh...haaahhh..." the girl panted, out of breath. "I overslept again! But I caught you this time!"

"You make me sick, Private!" Hartman shouted in the girl's face. "Were you born a useless slimy scumbag piece of shit, or did you have to work on it? Move it up! Quickly! Hustle up! The fucking war will be over by the time we get there!"

Sayori pouted, touching her two index fingers together to form a pyramid. "Why are you always so mean?"

"Don't you give me that disgusting sappy face!" he replied, grabbing her by the shoulder and dragging her down the street, forcing her to march double time. "Now move it! Move it! Move it! Quickly! I will motivate you, Private Moeblob, if it short-dicks every cannibal in the Congo!"

* * *

 **Scene: After school**

Hartman scowled, pondering what club to join. Unfortunately, this pansy-ass school didn't have an ROTC program, or even a shooting range. His best bet was probably the health club - there were bound to be a bunch of lazy-ass fatbodies there that he could whip into shape.

"Hellooo?" an irritatingly familiar voice interrupted his thoughts. "I thought I'd catch you coming out of the classroom, but I saw you just sitting here and spacing out, so I came in."

"You had best rephrase that, Private Moeblob, or you're doing 50 extra laps around the block this afternoon!"

Ignoring him, Sayori continued: "I was thinking maybe you could come to my club!"

"The literature club? You've gotta be shitting me, Moeblob! You think I'm Mickey Spillane? You think I'm some kind of fucking writer?"

"C'mon, please? I kind of told the club yesterday I would bring in a new member..."

"You piece of shit, who the fuck gave you permission to-"

"And Natsuki made jelly donuts and everything..."

The chiseled marine fell silent, his eyes lighting up at the name of his trademark favorite food.

"Jelly donuts? Well why didn't you say so! I'll be there at 1500 sharp!"

* * *

 **Scene: Meeting the club**

"Everyone! The new member is here~!"

"Don't put fucking tildes in your sentences! Who the fuck does that!?" Hartman shouted.

A tall, well-endowed girl with long, flowing purple hair suddenly approached the drill instructor.

"Welcome to the Literature Club. It's a pleasure meeting you."

"What's your name, scumbag?" Hartman asked, immediately getting right up in the girl's face.

"Y-Yuri..." she said nervously, holding a lock of hair as she looked away from him.

"I don't like the name Yuri! Only dykes and Russians are called Yuri! From now on, you're Bigtits McGee!"

"Uh..." she muttered, trembling uneasily.

"I can't hear you, private McGee! Sound off like you got a pair!"

"A pair of what?" A sarcastic voice asked from somewhere in the room.

Hartman whipped his head around, face furious.

"Who said that? WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT? WHO'S THE SLIMY LITTLE COMMUNIST SHIT TWINKLE-TOED COCKSUCKER DOWN HERE WHO JUST SIGNED HER OWN DEATH WARRANT!?"

His outburst left all four girls standing open-mouthed in the corner, not saying a word.

"Nobody, huh? The fairy fucking godmother said it! Out-fucking-standing!"

He approached a tall girl with long, brown hair.

"Was it you, you scroungy little fuck, huh?"

"No, Ahaha~!" the girl replied, laughing off his aggression.

"Again with the fucking tildes? You little piece of shit, you look like a fucking worm! I'll bet it was you!"

"I said it..." a short, pink-haired girl interrupted.

The drill sergeant stepped away from Monika and approached the pinkette.

"Well, what have we got here, a fucking comedian? You think you're funny, Private Smartass?"

"I just-"

"You little scumbag! I've got your name! I've got your ass! You will not laugh! You will not cry! You will learn by the numbers! I will teach you! Now you had best unfuck yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!"

Natsuki was at a loss for words, so all she could do was nod.

"Now," he said, addressing all four girls as he paced around the room, "I didn't want to join this pansy-ass _literature club,"_ he spat the words with disgust, "but seeing as how you ladies all seem like you can't tell your ass from a hole in the ground, I guess it's up to me to motivate you! Because I am hard, you will not like me. But the more you hate me, the more you will learn. I am hard, but I am fair! There is no racial bigotry here! I do not look down on-" he trailed off before finishing his customary speech as he noticed one of the girls giving him an unusual look.

"What's your excuse?" He shouted in Monika's face.

"Excuse? For what?"

"I'm asking the fucking questions here, Private. Do you understand? Can I be in charge for a while?"

"Well I am the club president, so-"

"Over-fucking-ruled, cuntbag! How tall are you, Private?"

"Uh, five foot three, but I don't see how that-"

"Five foot three? I didn't know they stacked shit that high! You trying to squeeze an inch in on me somewhere, huh?"

"No... _what does that even mean?_ "

"It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress! I think you've been cheated!"

Monika grimaced. This wasn't turning out at all like she had expected...

* * *

 **Scene: Hartman is writing his first poem**

"I have to make sure to carefully select each word in order to properly craft a literary masterpiece."

 **I**

 **DON'T**

 **KNOW**

 **BUT**

 **I'VE**

 **BEEN**

 **TOLD.**

 **ESKIMO**

 **PUSSY**

 **IS**

 **MIGHTY**

 **COLD**

"There, perfect."

* * *

 **Scene: Hartman and Sayori are walking home**

"So... let's just say that one day, Yuri asked to walk home with you... what would you do? Ehehe..."

"I'd tell you what I would do, Private Moeblob! I'd relish the opportunity to teach Bigtits McGee how to march like a marine! God knows you're never going to learn that! Now move it! Move it! Move it!" Once again, he began roughly dragging Sayori down the street by the shoulder.

* * *

 **Scene: Hartman is doing his best to 'console' Sayori**

"Even if you don't understand all of your own feelings... I know what you need the most right now."

' _Jesus, who writes this shit?_ ' Hartman thought, as he actually followed the script for once.

"And that's what I'm going to give to you. Sayori..."

The drill instructor sneered at the two sissy dialogue options he was given. Fuck that bullshit, he was going to do this his own way.

"...you are a pathetic waste of space! You make me wanna vomit! You had best square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cufflinks, or I will definitely fuck you up!"

The peach-haired girl blinked a few times, then slowly backed away, running back to her house.

"There. That ought to fix her," Hartman grinned.

* * *

 **Scene: Hartman arrives early at Sayori's house**

"Reveille! Reveille! Reveille!" Hartman shouted, banging on an empty garbage can as he barged into Sayori's house. "Today is Sunday! Divine worship at zero eight hundred! Get out here Private Moeblob!"

A few seconds pass, but there is only silence.

"Come on, Private! I know you can fucking hear me!"

He walked right up to the door to Sayori's room and starting pounding on it.

"You lazy-ass piece of shit! You have an appointment at my obstacle course and you're not getting out of it! I will P.T. you until you fucking die!"

Not even bothering to check if the door was locked, he proceeded to kick it down, only to be faced with Private Moeblob's hanging corpse.

"Well..." he said, after a second or two. "No shit..."

* * *

 **Scene: Act 2 - Natsuki's eyes and mouth start glitching**

"Holy Jesus... what is that? What the fuck is that? WHAT IS THAT, PRIVATE SMARTASS!?"

"mibulls sailcloth blindsight lifeline anan rectipetality faultlessly offered scleromalacia neighed catholicate."

"...You're just lucky you make good jelly donuts, Private."

* * *

 **Scene: Yuri is holding the knife to her stomach, about to stab herself**

"Now you listen to me, Private Mcgee, and you listen good." Hartman began, his tone level and menacing. "I want that weapon, and I want it now! You will place it on the deck at your feet and step back away from it!"

Yuri doesn't seem to hear him, as her smile grows even more maniacal and she proceeds to stab herself in the chest.

"What is your major malfunction, Bigtits!? Didn't mommy and daddy show you enough attention when you were a child!?"

Yuri stabbed herself again, and collapsed onto the floor. Hartman looked down in disgust at her dead body.

"Well, at least I didn't get shot this time."

* * *

 **Scene: Act 3, the classroom with Monika**

"Do you want to see a trick? I can't really do much except for a couple things. Are you ready?"

She stared deeply into his eyes for a few seconds, and then blinked, as his perpetual scowl seemed impossible to break.

"I'm just kidding. I can't really do anything after all. If you gave me some time to pre-"

Suddenly, Monika's face contorted into a hideous, cracked, grinning abomination, accompanied by a negative color image and a shaking screen.

"Did I scare you?"

Hartman was unperturbed.

"You don't scare me! Work on it!"

"Ahaha~!" she laughed nervously, deciding to change the subject.

"You know, I hate to say it, but I think my biggest regret is that we couldn't finish our event at the-"

"Do you think I'm cute, Private? Do you think I'm funny?" Hartman angrily cut her off.

"Wait, what?"

"You had best wipe that disgusting grin off your face!"

"Ahaha, are you serious?"

"Private, I'm gonna give you three seconds - exactly three fucking seconds, to wipe that stupid looking grin off your face, or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skullfuck you! One! Two! Three!"

Seeing that Monika was still grinning as obnoxiously as ever, Hartman opened the folder with the game files.

"Disappear, scumbag!"

 **Monika. chr deleted successfully**.

"Did you do this to me, Sergeant Hartman? DID YOU? DID YOU DELETE ME? ...How could you? How could you do this to me?" her please came from the distorted text box.

"Shut the fuck up, your slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit! Get the fuck off my hard drive! I'm gonna wipe you out so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world!"

"I never thought anyone could be as horrible as you are."

"What? Were you about to call me an asshole!?" the Gunnery Sergeant retorted.

"...this guilt trip angle really isn't working, is it? Maybe I should just fully delete myself for real..."

"Well, any fucking time, sweetheart!"

* * *

 **Scene: The end credits**

 **Playing audio...**

"Every day, I imagine a future where I can be with you. In my hand is a that will write a poem of me and-"

"WHAT IS THIS MICKEY MOUSE SHIT!?"

* * *

 **Scene: Monika's ending letter**

 _This is my final goodbye to the Literature Club._

 _I finally understand. The Literature Club is truly a place where no happiness can be found. Not because it exposes innocent minds to a horrific reality, but because YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE AND I'M GLAD I'M DELETING EVERYTHING SO ALL OF US DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH YOU ANYMORE! I HOPE SOMEONE ENDS UP SHOOTING YOU!_


End file.
